Sometimes, I don’t know what I am doing. Sometimes, I think I know what I want, and sometimes I have no idea. Sometimes, I’m perfectly comfortable but other times I just feel awkward. Like untwisting a twist tie.
I’ve worked very hard over the last few years to further my education to gain some ground at work. And in November of 2017, that hard work paid off. I found myself with a promotion and a degree.
But I neglected some things. I failed to see some signs. More than likely, I knew these things were there but chose to ignore them. So fast forward to February of 2018, and fast forward to a costly mistake that might cost me my job and just might make the last two or three years of hard work void of any positive outcome. I’ve found myself struggling with anger, anxiety, and at times… depression. I kept thinking if these external circumstances would change, I’d feel better.
But I didn’t.
And I was thinking about getting some help.
But I didn’t.
Lately, my sleep has been pretty erratic and my motivation and interest in things I used to cherish wanes and waxes. I’m pretty certain I know why some of these struggles have manifested, and I know the cognitive techniques to combat them. But here’s the thing. I’m not good at using them.
So, it might be too little too late, but I am now seeing a counselor. There is a saying in associative learning, Neurons that fire together, wire together. Essentially, our brains are maps. Thoughts, feelings, sensations, and images trigger neurons in our brains, and those neurons form a network. Once an experience is repeated, the brain triggers those same neurons, and the lines on the map, or these connections, grow deeper and stronger. The maps that form can be beneficial and healthy but they can also be very negative, depending on our experiences and what we use to cope. If you’re stressed and you turn to something like pornography to relieve that stress, guess what the brain is going to look for every time you’re stressed?
So, around 2016, life began to hand me a few lemons. I dealt with some of them in less than healthy ways and others I just ignored. Had I gone to counseling or found healthier outlets for these experiences, I likely would not have the anxiety, anger, and fits of depression here in 2018. My brain would have a much better map.
It’s going to take a lot of work on my part. And I don’t write this to get any kind of adulation or credit for being a basket case. I write this to encourage anyone that is struggling with anything to be unashamed to ask for help. We often find our greatest strengths in our moments of weakness. It takes some wisdom and courage and strength to admit you are weak, even if only in certain areas of life. And if you don’t get help when you know something inside isn’t right, it can manifest itself in very unhealthy and dangerous ways later in life.
Basically, you won’t know if you’re twisting or untwisting the twist tie.
If you’re suicidal, get immediate help. Even if you just think you need a tune up and need to unpack some of the old luggage in your head, get help. There’s no excuse too great. And the reasons to get healthy certainly outweigh the reasons not to.